Admittedly, I can be emotional. Maybe it’s my Scorpio sun? Anyways, I personally think emotional depth is a superpower. But, I’ve been told by multiple parties that too much feeling without enough thought can be disastrous. Thus, keeping myself in check is important. So I eased up on the breaks, was more reserved, and channeled my emotions into things that are productive. Smart move, right? Wrong!
During my attempted change of heart, I got into an (embarrassing) public argument with a man that I now perceive to be rather immature. We were at a concentrated, late night listening party at large studio space in Brooklyn, New York. The moderator was being so inappropriate to the point that it was a mockery of the space and purpose. Between the bragging about a personal brand and the seemingly never-ending crude language, I got fed up over the course of 30 minutes. Taking the mic, I asked him and his homie to shut up. I just wanted the show to go on.
True, I didn’t have to tell them to “shut up”. Maybe I could’ve been more “ladylike” and asked them to “be quiet”? Nah. These were not the type of men to respond positively to gentle nudges and kindness. I had assessed the situation and watched everyone else listen to them ramble. Speaking up when and how I did was the way to go. Passion over all else.
Halfway through speaking my peace, he verbally attacked me. I was made to feel like I was wrong for wanting to enjoy listening to Solange Knowles’ ‘A Seat at the Table’ more calm setting. (The event was advertised as relaxed, too, so it’s not like I was bursting in and being controlling.) The guy and I went back and forth – I explained that I was there for the music, not a pissing contest. He told me that this rudeness over the mic was “planned” and tried to make it seem like I was the one who was wrong for saying anything. I realized it was causing a scene and I wanted to end it more than I wanted to prove my point. I’d also been trying to practice swift forgiveness in situations like those. I tried to step beyond my base emotion and force myself to try to let it go. Anger is hard to hide sometimes though. I was giving stares filled with rage. I couldn’t believe that this man tried me like that. Publicly.
“I tried to step beyond my base emotion and force myself to try to let it go. Anger is hard to hide sometimes though.”
After that reality check, I let myself know that my feelings are honorable. Like I said, my emotions are what help me glow. I need them. Whack people make others (especially Black women) feel bad for expressing a wide range of emotions. The world should know that such depth is a sign of self and world-wide synchronicity.
So, feel how you feel, sis. Let shit marinate. Let it go when you’re truly ready.
It’s your right.